Lost

Growing up truly is one of the hardest things to do.
All of my friends that i've gone through school with are no longer sitting with me day by day and telling me about their weekends or holidays. Oh no, they're discussing Collage topics or University Choices.
They're all growing up. Whilst i sit here in Neverland feeling 5 years old watching my friends walk out on me.
I don't have the strength to take the steps that everyone else is doing, im too attached to how things are right now. Every day it gets worse and the smaller i become. People keep pushing ideas through both my ears but my heart never listens. Maybe i should but right now i just cant do it.
i don't want to go to collage or get a job but everyone has to have a shitty job that kills them in someway. i just don't want this, life is awful and people should probably appreciate that they've been given life. but right now i resent it so much.
i now know that one day im gonna be alone, i'll have no money, no friends, no house. i'll be nothing. There is no way that i will push myself to have a good life. I just know it.

Broken

Ever felt sick to the stomach from feeling so torn?
I know i have...I know that I am right now.
Breaking into pieces that continue to turn to dust and fly away to become one with the atmosphere.
Every day I seem to hurt on the inside, my eyes are becoming tired even though no tears are being cried. Things are getting too much these days, it might be because I'm not doing anything at home and each day is repetitive. but somehow i don't think it's really that, it's because i miss my friends, it's because my life is slowly cracking out to be another story that easily becomes brushed away in the old pages of humanity.
I know there are definitely people out there that are worse off than me, but that doesn't mean I'm not allowed to hurt. I'm only human after all.
But it's true, most of the times i just want to fall asleep and wake up when everything is okay again, or just not wake up at all.. Sometimes i just want to cry till i cant possible produce any more tears, sometimes i want to be able to scream and be heard from far away.
But I cant.
My emotions have learned to stay bottled up in this carcass that is my body. It's hard to even talk about how I feel because i always feel self centred or like I'm trying to sound important. Reason I hate talking about myself to others yet when I'm blogging like this its always about me and how I fucking feel. It's so pathetic, i hate myself. even though I've started to like myself there will always be the hatred deep down that eventually arises again.
I don't really know the point in this blog.. I guess I just want an escape..I want to feel numb, I want to lie in a field with the breeze brushing my cheeks..feeling the grass between my toes and fingers...eyes closed..not a care in the world..
Yet, that's just so fucking much to ask for. Life is hard..and its starting to get to me.
I want to feel free, someone to gather the dust..turn them back into pieces..put the light back into my heart...show me the way..

Till then, i'll be forever lost.

No Sleep Tonight

There's no point in sleeping..at least that's what I think right now. It's almost like Re-Charging a robot or batteries.. We cant be constantly awake.
Right now Creativity has hit me, I dont want to fall asleep in the land of nod, no. I want to invent something from the back of my mind, i want to make something that i can look at over and over again and actually feel proud to of been the master behind such a thing. It doesnt matter what it is, be it writing, photography, painting. I just want to do something that isnt life wasting.
There's no way i can sleep knowing that i could be spending the time dead to the world making something with my hands. Just like this blog.
It will also keep my mind at peace. If i cant sleep all night then so fucking be it. if i want to wait till six am just to be able to text someone important to me, then fuck it! I'm gonna spend my night doing something awesome. Or at least try to.
No I'm not being big headed or anything I'm just feeling...like making something inspiring, or writing something that's worth reading over a thousand times..
First of all i had to start with this blog, because I just have to have a beginning to my midnight adventures, I'm tired already but i refuse to surrender to the sleep that will eventually last forever. Right now I wanna live.
And so that is what I'm going to do. Even though i want to cry for reasons that i cant explain properly, longing..aching. along those lines, im gonna distract myself with the Creative arts. The Spark that's been missing for months and months.
Bring it on Night, because I'm gonna be here till morning.

What a Wonderful Life...till it knocks you down.

I cant exactly say this week has brought amazing things my way, Firstly The person who i really dislike now who has also ruined my life and my family has reported me about something i just wouldn't do and it's honestly really childish. I know she won't read this because nobody knows about it. That's why i love posting on here because to me its private.
Sometimes I feel like just getting down on my knees and bashing my head against the floor and breaking down completely. Now I'm being dragged into something that on Sims would be over in two minutes. But life isn't like that is it? It's not a SImulator where feelings just get controlled by someone else. No, we have free will and we dont whine when a sofa is too close to a wall to be able to pass it. We're smarter and we do more things than they do, why cant we just erase certain things or people. Sometimes it would be so much better off. This past year i've seen just how nasty and how fragile life can be, one mistake and everything can be taken away.
Life isn't easy, and living each day is an achievement... I'm sure there's a business man who had a bad day at work and wishes to kill himself, he has a wife and a couple of kids..he never pays attention to his dearly beloved any more. she just cooks him dinner and clean his laundry, maybe a kiss goodnight before they fall asleep not showing their love to each other. His kids prisoners to their social life or school studies who no longer play football with him or talk to him like he's a person any more.. it shows just how life can once seem great then become a routine that causes us to drift apart no matter what the distance in reality..
Life is cruel, and I'm only Seventeen and i know what it's like. There are more parts of my life that will bring tears, a broken heart..will it be great? or will it be like that business man, hanging himself with a tie that his mother bought him for his fortieth birthday?
Who knows. our life is in our hands, and i know for a fact i don't want to continue this life filled with regret or routines...i want to make it worth while. Even if it's knocked me down a thousand times, it seems i always have faith. Because if i didn't i would of tightened that knot long ago.

A Word of Wisdom

Sometimes, I love things that I get off my chest. This, an old post on my Deviant Art is one of them.

"I'm not sure why im writing this, Again I got a spark of creativity and thought and I just had to write this down somewhere.
Well, honestly I think everyone out there aspires to be someone amazing and maybe not everyone in the world gets to do that thing because well they consider themselves unlucky.
It's nothing to do with being lucky or not it's to do with dedication. If you're dedicated to something and feel so god damn passionate about it then you do that if you know it's going to make you happy and make you feel proud with the way your life is.

Never give up on your dreams if some idiot questions you about it, sure you may not be as good as you expected yourself to be at first but there is a reason to practice. To get better at it. There is always going to be someone better than you but that should never stop you from living your dream and making something out of yourself. Never.

I believe that most people on just this damn site should be making their work professional - if someone says they hate it shouldnt give you a reason to stop. It makes you happy to do it right? then you gotta believe in yourself and you will achieve what you wish for in time. Life is fucking hard and its always going to be a rocky adventure but you should always be up for the challenge of true happiness out of your aspirations and dreams.

Everyone is allowed to dream and make it come true, fuck wishing up on a star. It's not gonna happen unless you know that you can go out there and live it. Fuck anyone that says you cant, fuck anyone that hates your decision. They are all the people out there that are jealous of your talents and these are the people that in the end you have proved wrong.

And that is one of the best achievements of all."

xo C

What is with this World?

And that Is a serious question that will probably never be answered.
Human beings disgust me so much now a days, I doubt there has ever been a time where Freedom has ever come into place. Why is there such a word? it's never truly there, as soon as we're born we're boxed in a world that has no purpose.
Sometimes i just wish i wasn't a part of something that sounds so fucking tempting and looks beautiful when behind the mask its really a place filled with hatred and its so fucking ugly.
There's hardly anything that's worth being here, apart from love, music and maybe that's all right now. This place disgusts me and its hard to think people can live this way. There are so many things that this world would be better off without, Religion would be one of them, I'd rather be scientific with the world's discovery rather than think of some stupid man who doesn't even live in the sky because I've been through the sky in a plane and never seen some pearly gates. Honestly my family have never cared for religion but still when i hear about how much trouble it gives people. Honestly i think these people who love Religion should be punished and sent to hell because they become consumed by a sheet of lies that turn them into something not exactly heaven sent, they judge just as much as anyone would do and hurt others. It's a treacherous world, filled with lies deceit and complete crazy people. and trust me I've had my share of that. I cant even ask anymore because i don't know how to explain or answer. It's hard to find Genuine people these days.. i have no idea what to think of this world..Is there much point in having any hope for it..when all we do is destroy it but turning each other..?

Twenty Ten.

I'll have to say that last year was probably one of the worst years of my entire life so far. Mainly because since last February my dad was having an Affair with some woman who he met on Facebook that happened to live up the road from us. He introduced her to us and was secretly sleeping with her and even now that we all know what he's being doing. All meaning the whole village, he still continues to see her even though my mum has taken him back numerous times. And Still he doesn't seem to understand what he's done. I could write pages and pages into the shit he's done but I'm not prepared to give details like that.
My mum was write though, saying that it would scar me and effect me badly as i get older. At the moment i just don't trust anyone, especially Men for that matter - I cry most nights now, before I couldn't ever cry because everything was happening to fast. Like standing in the middle of the motorway, cold, alone, lifeless. it's harder as you get older to believe that someone you grew up loving all your life could do such thing and for all this bundle of love turn into one great big ball of Hatred. And it just sucks, because my Dad thinks I've taken sides. And at the end of the day he's screwed this up. it's his fault, especially with the reason he's given us of doing it. I cant stand him very much anymore, honestly i want him to stay away from my mum and for that bitch to stop harassing us. But sometimes i fear it wont.
I need a new start as does my mother. But right now, it's still like last year and i don't even know whats gonna happen.
But anyway, this is a new blog now. A new blog for a more educated brain, a new year... a new heap of emotions and words.
6 days into the new year and here we are. Please have a better year than last or i will sincerely be bummed out.

xoxo C/ZK